The One (and Only) Film Wad: Version 1.0

This is a new category I’m attempting to get off the ground here.  I subscribe to a lot of film sites/blogs as an addendum to this DVD dealie I’m still trying to get off the ground for UR – I need to actually get some other people to write for me, since I can’t do (read: am bored as shit of) this UR/URBMN stuff myself.  E-mail me if you’re interested in writing, hint shill.  I can’t pay anyone, granted, and I open myself up to people that I haven’t heard from in two and a half years writing me and/or telling me I’m a fag.  That was the risk I took when I decided to become an amateur/somewhat-pro critic, and I’m sure everyone like me has their token psychotic desperate for fame.  I really should stop goading these people.

Anyway, as an attempt to ankle-bite/help (I waver between the two, I admit I’m an asshole) Twitch and other film blogs, I’ve decided to cull the Interweb for anything interesting to me – and maybe to you too, I hope – in the world of film.  Sadly, I’m interested in some of the more obscure and/or “bad” films out there, and I have that weird sense of taste where I seek out Jess Franco films but still follow the more highbrow of film cultures despite me having problems with that world.  Damn me and my questioning nature.  I really should give up and shake my fist at the Weinsteins like everyone else.  Maybe I should complain about IFC changing their format despite said decision being due for at least a few years.  I need to be more absorbed in bullshit minutiae like that.

I also should stop doing stuff like this while procrastinating duties like Unrestrained! and my film degree.  I wish I could like film studies, but that field has to stop being full of itself.  I should also take my own advice and stop being full of myself.  Yes, I make self-deprecating jokes long after they’ve stopped being entertaining and/or funny.  I have ‘the gift.’

  • I recently relayed to TheDDT from FilmJerk (as an aside, read TheMikeSays’ newest column – as long as you people don’t think I’m shilling for myself) news about the Jack Black/Mike White/Jared Hess collaboration called Nacho Libre.  The film is about a cook who moonlights as a masked wrestler to save an orphanage.
    The film apparently is based on what seems to be (by sometime former TheDDT contributor Hankula’s conclusion) Frey Tormenta’s life, but the film has obviously been dumbed down to the point where the main character is called Nacho.  That’s shitting fabulous.  A decent-sounding source of luchadore drama dumbed down to the Napoleon Dynamite level.  I swear Jack Black was entertaining at one time but now he’s just insufferable.
  • I’m enjoying Bitter Cinema.  The site is very readable and is entertaining without being didactic.  I wish all film sites were like this, but that may be because a lot of film sites follow that romantic film-school version of cinema criticism that disdains all lowbrow and/or truly obscure content even though all cinema is supposed to be on the same level of criticism.  Well, there’s that and those insufferable Laura Mulvey articles that claim Jodie Foster to be lesbian because she wears a suit in Silence of the Lambs.  Words cannot describe how much I hate film studies.
  • I don’t know what Matt Paprocki expected from a “Sci-Fi Original Movie,” but here’s a review of one of those films, this week featuring sabretooths.  The film doesn’t sound as good as Hammerhead: Shark Frenzy, but what does?
  • Reuters and AP make a big deal out of Fantastic Four being critically shit but commercially successful.  I don’t understand how this is the first “reviled” film to be commercially successful at the box-office its first week (uh, Godzilla had worse reviews and made more money its first week, I recall) but some people are saying that this film just broke Hollywood’s “box office slump.”  I can’t opine on how good the film is myself but some people are painting this as one of the worst films of the year.  It’s another case of media hype meeting negative hype and it hurts my brain.
  • Guardian piece on Asia Argento.  Daria Argento seems to be one of those few horror filmmakers that highbrow film people bother to put up with.  It’s funny – people have heard of him, George Romero and Mario Bava but I always wonder if that’s just to look like they know shit.  It’s not like they’re sticking around for Richard Driscoll or that guy who directed Zombiez, not that I blame them.
  • Moviemark DVD has a discount sale on Facets, Brain Damage and Tempe Entertainment product.  I suggest you look into that.  Why there’s a film called The Crotchening and why it’s the top-selling DVD at Moviemark, though, I can’t explain that.  I mean, good God, The CrotcheningHORRIBLE TITLE.
  • There’s a MadTV best-of DVD featuring seasons eight through ten.  That shouldn’t exist.  Those seasons comprise MadTV at its most dire.  SNL wasn’t too great this year, but don’t be fooled.  MadTV is three times as horrible as SNL can ever be.  That show needs a complete overhaul right now like you wouldn’t believe.
  • People are still trying to flog the Crow franchise long past its death.  Please stop.  Just so you don’t think I’ve gone downmarket, here’s a review of Alien 3000.
  • Children shouldn’t play with dead things.
  • Roger Ebert becomes entertaining again.  He’s always been a bit out of the loop as “pop culture” (how I loathe it and atrocities done in its name) goes, but he’s still one of the few film reviewers to give an honest, not overly-influenced opinion on a film.  I wish Ebert & Roeper wasn’t so stultifying to watch, though.
  • Old old OLD news (nine days, in fact!) but here’s a PRWeb missive for a film called Ultraviolent.  Film looks rather cheap, but I’m guessing it does because it’s a low-budget (i.e., unaffiliated with a familiar-sounding film label – y’know, ACTUAL INDEPENDENT) film done on a home computer.  Reviewers tend to shoot these films down at first glance sometimes.
  • Taiwanese film LiveJournal.  Usually Technorati tags are full of lame LiveJournals and “OH MY GOD!  FANTASTIC FLOOR WAS AWSOME”-type links, but somehow this managed to break through the ennui.  I wish that was a regular occurrence, but it rarely is.
  • Cheap DVDs (a/k/a, and “packratshow” should expect a lawsuit from The Ultimate Lesion Destroyer in three…two…one…now) talks about Double D Distribution’s/Front Row Entertainment’s Spanish/English budget DVD’s, among other titles.  Sports bloopers are among the list, so it’s not like Double Front D Row’s going high-end or anything.  About time some cheap DVDs came with more than one audio option.  Quality is probably questionable, but how could it not be with budget titles.
  • Finally, Foyeurisms.  Might as well end the article on a high note if this column isn’t very good.  Seriously, let me know.
C. Archer
Le Social