Let’s Watch YOB! Watch TNA Impact!: 3/17/2011

This recap was originally going to be for thePOWERBOMB.com.  I’m not sure what’s going on there day-to-day right now, so fuck it, it’s here.  It’s not like I’m updating URBMN regularly these days.

This week’s Impact! begins with Sting revealing a new design for the TNA World Heavyweight Championship.  The belt looks nice.  Too bad the promotion is so shitty, but what’s another few thousand down the sinkhole?

Eric Bischoff and Hulk Hogan come out.  Sting says that evil Hulk Hogan turned Darth Hardy evil.  Hogan announces that Immortal has killed Hardy.  Enter Darth “Bully” Ray.  Ray, AJ Styles and Mr. Anderson come out and demand title shots, so the Anderson/RVD contender’s match – which wasn’t resolved at Victory Road 2011, fact fans – becomes a Fatal 4 Way.

I know I should be picking at the bones of this segment, but no one’s saying anything.  Anderson and Hogan go through a vaudeville routine.  Anderson back-drops himself for no reason.  RVD fails to come out.

Are the pay-per-views selling Impact! now?  All I know is, that’s a tsunami of wrestling, right there.  Impact! is like an earthquake after Jeff Hardy’s meltdown!  That might be a tasteless joke, but so is watching twenty-odd minutes of useless filler.

Madison Rayne defends her TNA Knockouts Championship in the third week of her Open Challenge.  This week, we reach right into the TNA Knockout ball bag for Alissa Flash.  They roll around, scream and act bitchy.  They don’t have a match, but who cares?  Men like tits, right?

The Pope D’Angelo Dinero comes out and “heals” people, still hating on Samoa Joe.  Samoa Joe chases The Pope, after The Pope beats up on/tortures Okada.  You might as well have The Pope and Samoa Joe masturbate on each other at this point.  That would be an athletic demonstration, at least.

Kurt Angle brains Jeff Jarrett with a guitar after the Angle/Jarrett peace talks break down.  Wow, Angle finally uses a weapon to hurt someone?  That’s about two weeks too late, but the Jeff Hardy Victory Road brouhaha has conveniently caused the Jarrett/Angle feud to be only the second-worst thing about TNA.  Fate’s awesome!

TNA remembers it has the Television Championship, letting Gunner, Murphy and Rob Terry at it.  Gunner wins, since TNA and fuck you.

Matt Morgan, Angelina Love and Winter fight Hernandez, Sarita and Rosita.  Why two disparate angles are lumped together like this, I don’t know.  Who won?  Certainly not fans of decent wrestling.

Wait, I realized the Mexicans in TNA are now part of a supergroup!  How Mexicools!

Last on the agenda is the #1 contender’s match.  RVD and Mr. Anderson hit the double pin, which is nice, since it draws out a feud instead of setting a strong tone for Lockdown 2011.  Good use of “Bully” Ray and AJ Styles, by the way, having them be an added attraction instead of the main event itself.

Also, what a useful bump AJ took.  It makes the kayfabe injury angle the highlight of the show…which isn’t saying much, given the awesome entertainment shown before the #1 contender’s match.  There were, I think, tits and half-naked men.  Oh, and Hulk Hogan babbling.  Fun.

What an exciting, non-retarded version of Impact!  I’m proud to have watched that thing.

C. Archer
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