Teletoon Pilot Project Time | Drop Dead Gorgeous

This might destroy URBMN’s flimsy ties to objectivity, but I was not looking forward to Drop Dead Gorgeous (Teletoon: CINEMARIA, 2009.)  Mike Valiquette’s review of the show is negative.  When the Teletoon Pilot Project was in its web phase, DDG was just hated by Detour viewers, even more than the puppet-based antics of Les Sansfil/The Wireless Family.

All I have to say is, wow.  Drop Dead Gorgeous is worse than I expected it would be.  I’m not offended by its cheap stereotypes and unfunny humour, per se.  I’m just confused by it.  I can’t pinpoint DDG‘s intentions, other than “is this edgy enough, Teletoon?  Is this edgy enough?  Lesbians, wheee!

Drop Dead Gorgeous is about four hot female assassins (Stefanie Buxton, Lucinda Davis, Allana Harkin, Marcel Jeannin) who are also snobbish, fashion-conscious college students.  The idea isn’t new – change “assassins” to “spies” and pander to young kids, and you have Totally Spies!

Where Drop Dead Gorgeous fails is in its insufferable awareness of how “cool” it is.  The show is like Archer, in that it’s reliant on dialogue and animated deliberately stiff.  Of course, Archer has funny dialogue and memorable characters.  DDG sticks to “four assassins are horny/make small talk while killing people” for its 20-some-odd-minute running time.

Why is Drop Dead Gorgeous focused on these four women?  Am I supposed to hate them for being shallow assholes?  Am I supposed to find their shallowness funny?  John Kricfalusi terms this sort of thing “‘tude,” and DDG is nothing but ‘tude.  The plot takes a back seat to pure style.

Drop Dead Gorgeous doesn’t give me a reason to grow attached to the characters.  Even if the girls are meant to be one-dimensional, they’re not interesting.  Two of the girls – one black, the other white – are lesbians.  The Asian girl says “VODKA VODKA VODKA!” all the time.  So what?  They may be of different races and/or religions, but they’re still talking about dicks and clothes.  I can’t see how these traits can sustain the pilot, let alone a series.

I respect the people who worked on Drop Dead Gorgeous, but DDG is a bizarre mish-mash of Archer, The Boondocks-style faux-anime, Totally Spies!, nicked Amin Tobin songs, and lesbian scenes.  I hope never to see this show again.

C. Archer
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